Eating my heart out

I hate this day. Now I'm gonna have to face reality - I can't deal with it.
I think I'm going to break

I came here to make you dance tonight

So... I am sitting at Stine's floor with Cobra Starship's Guilty Pleasure (Album Version) in my brain, and I haven't been able to get it out since I heard it last afternoon. Not that it bothers me, but it's only two freaking lines.
Stine is fast asleep and I have been awake for around an hour and a half now, and I can't sleep anymore, so I thought that I'd just update this.

I don't know how I feel today. Kinda numb I guess. I got things straightened out with my friend yesterday. Which is good, cause I don't ever wanna lose him. I really love him, though he can be a jerk. But hey, who can't, am I right..
But I'm still feeling like I am gonna explode about that chick that annoys the crap outta me, and I can't really deal with the thought of seeing her tomorrow.

And then there's the case about tomorrow...   June 25th. The Black Day. The Date that's been eating my heart out for a year now.
I can't wrap my brain around it. It's just too much. It's killing me, and all the sudden it is just so real. It's like a nightmare where I'm running from a hideous clown but aren't getting anywhere and th freak is just coming closer and closer and no matter how much I tear my lungs out to scream, no sound is coming out.
It's just.. unbearable..

Yesterday I woke up from this amazing, just wonderful, dream that just seemed so real. It weren't anything big. We were just being together, spending time together. Talking, laughing, embracing each other - just Michael and me. It was so fantastic. And it was so real that when I woke up I could still feel the touch of his skin, smell the sweet scent of his hair, hear his humming in my ear. It killed me. I cried for half an hour when I realized what reality was.
And now I can't seem to stop thinking about it - about him. About the fact that I will never get the chance to hug him, to feel him, to look into those big brown eyes with the amazing lashes.

Michael Jackson, I miss you. Please come back to me?

call me a whiner - I don't freaking care

Listening to: Fall Out Boy 'Send Postcards From A Plane Crash (wish you were here)'

So, the last few days have been frustrating in so many ways.
I haven't talked to someone I considered one of my best friends in over a week, which is weird cause usually we talk every day all the time, but he wont return my phone calls or respond to my texts, and he haven't been online on Messenger that often, and when he has been he haven't contacted me at all. This made me worried about him, so Sunday night I sent him a text telling him that I was worried, not a sound in response. A few hours later he talked to me on Messenger as if nothing had happened, and I decided to let it be, and just take "the talk" about the past week later on cause I was kinda in the middle of something when he wrote me. But then all the sudden, out of the blue, he got all cold, and after a few cold responses he stopped replying.
I haven't contacted him since, cause I feel that this is his responsibility - it's him who have been ignoring me, and I can't keep up texting him or calling him to figure out what's going on with him.

Then there was a change of plans about this weekend, and the party there was meant to be a our friends' house is off, which gave me a few probs about places to stay, but Nikki and I got a deal with my friend Stine to crash at her place Friday. Then I was left with Saturday as a problem, so my Jonas asked if him and me could stay at this friend I thought was of my best friends' place. Jonas could, but there was no way that there was room for me there. That made me a little suspicious.
But now I just found out that a few of our other friends are staying there too. So now I'm seriously pissed at him. If I did something wrong he could at least have the decency to tell me!

And then there's this girl that I have been friends with for a bit more than half a year. Since November I guess. She's always had tiny things that have annoyed me, but I have put up with it, cause hey, we can't all like everything about each other.
But now it has just become too much. The more I think about it, the more I dislike her, and get annoyed by her. And I feel really bad about it, cause I don't think that she even realizes the things she does.
I just think that she is so self-centered and shallow and attention-desperate, and I just can't stand those kinda things.
She turns things that should be private and intimate and are actually really bad into some kind of circus to get attention, and it makes nauseated. I think it's sick and wrong those things that she does, and my honest opinion is that this girl needs some kind of help.
It is true though that she has been through a lot in her life, and that it must have been really tough for her and her family - but so have I, and I don't go around whining about it all the time just to get attention.
I hate her pity-crusade. It's wrong, it's sick and she needs help.

Normally when people gets on my last nerve I tell them, but how the Hell should I ever be able to tell her this?!
Everyone thinks that she is "soooo brave" and that she is "such a good person", so if I ever point this out to her she can tie them around her little finger in a second and I will end up losing a lot of people I really care about. I am starting to believe that that is what have happened with my (ex) best friend, cause he sees her as some kind of goddess that are unable to make mistakes, another thing that makes me wanna puke.

Many people might raise an eyebrow about this statement and think "hey, she's so obviously jealous", and trust me, I have gone that side of the story over and over again in my head. But no, it has nothing, whatsoever, to do with jealousy, cause she has nothing that I am interested in.
I am not interested in the kind of attention that she constantly seeks, I am not interested in being looked at as the "never-failing goodie goodie". No way, cause that is not me.
I just think that people are giving her attention on a false basis, and my respect for her sinks deeper and deeper every time I hear from her.

And I will end this now before my head explodes.
Thank you for putting up with my irrational, and extreme, garbage. All I know is that it really loosened up to get this out of my system cause I have been carrying it around for a long time now.
Let's just hope it doesn't escalate this Friday where I am forced to fake a smile for her.

Sweat The Battle Before The Battle Sweats You

Sitting here listening to Sweat the Battle Before the Battle Sweats You (Album Version) from Cute Is What We Aim For, and I decided it was time for an update before leaving to make some dinner for my beloved father.
There still isn't any progress in my home-hunting in the big city, but I am planning to talk to my friend about her dorm and what she thinks about me applying for a room there asap.
Buuuuuut, this weekend I will be spending with Elisa (♥) being house-sitters for my sister and her bf. We planned to get drunk and have a marshmallow-contest - who can eat more marshmallows without vomiting. And we are going to watch Benny & Joon, and go Green Day nuts about Billie Joe's hairless arse :D

And then next week is coming. It's gonna be hard, tough. Extraordinary painful.
Tuesday will be awesome, spent with Jacque, and we are thinking about going to Eventyrhaven to just chill out.
Wednesday Jacque and I will meet up at Odense Station to go to Sjælland together. She's going to Fowsia's, I am going to Stine's. When I get to Stine's we are gonna get drunk, and Morten and I will be shooting her down with waterpistols and waterballons. THIS is gonna be great!
And then we are just gonna hang out till Friday - Friday is what is gonna kill me.
It's gonna be so mixed. I can't wait till I see everybody; Nikki, Theo, Nanna, Joy, Christian, Inge, JONAS, just everybody ... but June 25 is gonna be one of the worst dates in HIStory. I can't even get myself to think about the pain that is gonna inflict all of the City Square of Copenhagen on that date. So many tears, so much love, so much pain, so much frustrations..  It's gonna be straight-downwards Hell.

But let's just make the best of it; if we can.

Peace out, folks

my decision

I made a decision that has been on it's way for a long time. But now it is for real, and now it is seriously gonna happen. This is it!
I have always been miserable living where I live. I hate it here, and I have never fitted in, as I am not from this part of Denmark, and everybody knows, and I can feel it myself.
But now it is too much for me, and I have decided to move outta here. I am currently looking for places to live in the Copenhagen area, and I hope that something will come up soon.
I don't know how to make this work, I have never moved by myself before, never lived entirely on my own, and it's scaring the bejesus out of me, but it's good. It's a cool feeling to be scared like this.
I just hope that everything works out for me, cause I don't want anyone up in my face with all their "I told you you couldn't handle being on your own"-typical bullshit.
This is what I need to do for me. For once in my life I am doing what I know is the best thing for me. And I can't figure out whether it is a good or a bad thing.
Will I ever be able to make it on my own?

The Beach

Maybe if I keep standing here 

Some day I will sink deep enough in 

So that only the sea will notice me

The stream will take away my pain

And the fish will be my only company

The rocks will keep me earthbound

And the seaweed will keep me warm

I will kiss the starfish

I wish I could just sink into the sand

Listening to: Little Susie / Pie Jesu 

by Michael Jackson