Frank Iero hearts ♥

lots of changes

So here's what happened.
He did!
 As always....
It's amazing how I can walk around every day, not really thinking about him, but then I see him and BAM! he hits me like a train on an early Saturday Morning.
I don't know what I did, and I don't know what he did. I don't know why it has to be this way, but I do know that as it looks right now, it's not likely that it's gonna change any day soon.
This has been going on for over 2 years now. TWO YEARS! he's been stuck in my head, though I've did what every teen movie tells people in my situation to do.
I did hang out with other people, I did go out and meet new people, I did have some fun, I did think of something else, I was with someone else, I was with someone who didn't even have anything to do with him, little even know that he exists, I did go out and get drunk, and I did a lot of things to try and get over him.
But yet he sits there with his big smile, his beautiful tattoos and his long fluffy hair asking how I am, and telling me that he missed me, and all those things he keep doing that keeps on breaking my heart over and over and over again.
I need changes in my life. Lots of changes.
I need to live a new place, where I can go out and have fun and get drunk and spent time on useless things. I need to live a little and spent some time on making myself happy, and letting myself have some self esteem.
I need to learn how to love myself, and I need to learn how to not care. I need to have some friends, friends I can actually be with, instead of just all of this IM'ing/texting.
It sucks, and I'm freaking sick of being lonely.

What I need is to leave this life behind, and start all over with a new one.
The only thing is, I need to figure out if I want to carry pieces from this life with me, or if I should leave everything behind..

Gay Pride, birthdays, and BH90210

Now with pictures :D

Friday 

going to Amalie's place

This weekend I was at Sjælland, because one of my best friends, Amalie, turned 15 this Saturday.
The plan was that I should arrive at her place Friday night, so I did.
I went on the train at 08.15pm from Odense, and arrived at Herlev station at 10.03pm, where I ran into two guys I've known for a few years. I very rarely see them, so I got really happy to see their beautiful faces. We talked for a bit, and they brought the good news that they had just become uncles - their brother had just got a beautiful little baby girl called Olivia. Love for babies.<3
Then I went to find Amalie, and we were headed home. Amalie, her brothers, her sister and I got straight to the living room to watch Harry Potter and The Sorcerers Stone. Halfway through the movie Amalie and I went to bed.

Saturday afternoon

early wakings and Rainbow Gay Pride

We got woken up by Amalie's older brothers singing the Danish birthday song for her - at 7.51am - pretty early for a Saturday morning. But we ended up forgiving them, because when  we got up we were met by a breakfast of Coco Pops, Cheerios, crêpes and bread rolls. All the sudden her morning grumpiness disappeared :D
After breakfast we got over and started watching Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets. But just as Hermione Granger were petrified by the basilisk we had to get ready to go to Copenhagen.
A little stressed out we made it, and got on the train. At 1.00pm we were at city square. The square was filled with a stage at the one half, and the rest was filled with little market shops.
A true mix of people were all over the city that day. It was so beautiful. And all the amazing colors spreading from one end to another. I wish Copenhagen were like that every day.
We met a lot of people we know, and the big parade was so beautiful. I almost teared up for watching all of that love. I couldn't help feeling it deep inside my soul.

Theo and I hugging in front of the Copenhagen city hall.
Photographer: Christina Ihler Madsen

Julie and I in front of the Copenhagen city hall, after the parade
Photographer: Christina Ihler Madsen

NB: Pictures of the parade at the end of the blog

Saturday night

birthdays, Beverly Hills 90210, and nakedness

Guest list: Mary, Nanna, Theo, Terfa, Cille, Signe, Amanda,SC and Line

After all the partiness in the big bad city, we all went back to Amalie's house where we were going to throw her a big birthday party. Of course we were. We started with getting all the people into the house and then Mary, Mia (Amalie's sister) and I went downtown to get some food and booze.

We hurried to make some dinner, and eat, as we watched all of Fall Out Boy's videos...   a zillion times (♥)

Then we went straight on board with the drinking. We got a nice game of drinking cards on - around 10 people in one game, that was a pretty nice deal.

Signe had been a bit foggy already from the parade earlier on, so it didn't take long for her to catch up with that bender again. Terfa did pretty good on that account too. She was definitely the comic feature of the party. But fortunately she didn't get herself hurt, and she didn't get into any other kinds of trouble.

When the clock hit midnight SC and Amalie had made a Pact. Sunday was SC's birthday, so they decided (yeah okay, it was my idea) that SC should run around the garden all naked, and Amalie should run in just underwear. So they did. Thank God for Mary's video camera! One word: F A C B O O K ! 

 Unfortunately that was the time where people started to head home. So we ended up being 5 people sleeping there, besides Amalie and her sister.

And so bad, but we just realized now that we never got our Beverly Hills 90210 pictures taken, which sucks so bad, that I have to convince everybody that we have to throw a party SOON! themed BH90210.

Sunday

homecoming, and mr. Handsome

Theo and I decided to crash the couch, so there was room for the girls in Amalie's bedroom. And we got woken up by Signe saying goodbye. Too early if you ask me, I would have love to have a bit more time with her. Then we slept on, and ended up being waken up by Amalie talking about milk and remo. So gross.

We got up, and I started getting ready to head home. After I had swallowed my coffee and my breakfast in almost one quick motion I was so late for the train that I almost had to run all the way - and yay, as I arrived at the bus stop the bus was delayed, so I had to sit and wait. Just my luck, dude.

But I got in the train just as it started to rain. When I hit Valby where I was supposed to wait for 20 minutes it was pouring down. So after reading two chapters in my book, (The Prestige by Christopher Priest) I ran out dancing around in the rain, with a lot of people on the platform standing under the roof giving me odd looks.

I got on the train home, and when I hit Odense I only had to wait for 40 minutes, which isn't so bad, as opposed to how long I usually have to wait.

I was home around 02.40pm - real early for what time I normally get home after a few days on the other side of the ocean.

I went to my bedroom checking up on my email, and my on line friends. After that I watched a few episodes of Chuck (Chuck vs. Truth and Chuck vs. Tooth). Then I suddenly realized that it become late, so I went to the living room to watch last weeks episode of White Collar, Vital Signs, so I was sure to be on with it for tonights episode, Home Invasion. We had dinner, and then my sister started watching Ice Age 3, so I didn't get to watch White Collar tonight. Then I just have to watch it on my computer. No one can stand between Mr. Matt Bomer and me!

Time for bed 

bedtime stories, and long day ahead

And here I sit, getting prepared for my first real day of school for the first time in a year, as I am listening to Fall Out Boy. I am really excited for tomorrow, but man am I nervous - true that, dude...

Tomorrow's lessons: 08.30am Chemistry for three lessons, and then three lessons of Danish at 11.40am, and then I get off at 02.20pm - long day for me, I think so. And the best part is that I have to go to the gym directly after school, yes ma'am!

Now I will pack up the last stuff, and then I will watch White Collar, and then I will get myself some nice dreams about something...  let's just say nice ;)

Nighty night out there, all of you bloggers, stalkers, and freakshows ♥
  

Pictures as promised - better late than never, right :)

  

Next Tattoo

So people...  I decided that it's time for a new tattoo.
The one I already have is around a year old soon, and I am dying to get a second one.
But the question is: what should it be?
I've already decided that it should be a Michael Jackson silhouette on my left lower arm. Underneath it I want the letters MJ and then the word Smile as it is Michael Jackson's favorite song, and whenever I will be sad I can look at it and remember that Michael would have wanted me to smile, not being sad.

So the big 1 million question is:
What silhouette should it be?

Here's a few to look at. My problem is that I love all of them. Help me out here, people, I count on your judgment :D

Long time, no see

I know, it's been a while since I showed my face here last.
I've been away on vacation, visiting some friends, doing weird, crazy and lazy stuff. Which has been nice, I've really needed that.
There isn't really much to tell.
I went to Copenhagen on July 9th to go to Nanna's birthday party. Dang she is lucky. She got a lot of nice stuff, but the best thing she got was a life-size card-board Michael Jackson stand-up. It's amazing. I just love it!

I mean look at him, he is just gorgeous! and it looks so realistic, even more when it's popped out of the background, so he stands by himself - I envy her so much..

Then I went to Christian and Inge's place, where I spent a great amount of time with hanging out with Joy, Christian and Inge, and Saturday Theo too..   it was really nice, I enjoyed it a lot. It had been way too long since I had seen Christian, and I had missed him so much, really, really much. But yeah, I had really missed all of them. It sucks living a zillion miles away from everybody I love.

Then Sunday I jumped on a bus from little Nærum to go to Albertslund where beautiful Laura was throwing a little get-together for a few girls. It was Laura, Stine, Sofie, Nina and I.
I loved it. It was so nice just hanging out, watching some MJ dvds, and just talking. About everything and nothing. It was just sad that Laura was going to Encino, CA at Thursday so from that day on I wouldn't see her for more than a month - unfortunately.
After girls night at Laura's I went back to Hvidovre with Stine. We just hung out, watch some TV show, and talked, and spent a few nights drinking. One night there was this amazing thunderstorm right above our heads so we ran out in the street in bare feet dancing around, acting crazy.
And then there was some drinking nights with a few crazyheads from her block, and mystery adventures with...  let's just say it was a boy.

After Stine's I went to Theo's birthday party at Saturday 17th. There was a lot of people I hadn't seen for ages, and it was so good to be back hanging out with them all. Even though it pissed me off that they kept on talking about the Stevie Wonder concert that I hadn't been able to go to.
After the party I came to Fowsia's place. And it was great, cause I rarely see her, and when I do it's not for more than a couple of hours a time, and I miss spending time with her. We spent the days going for walks, and laying on the grass watching clouds, talking about memories, and random stuff.
Then I was headed for Cille's place, whom I hadn't spent time with since...  since I don't know when.
We took a walk with her lovely dog, Luna, and then we watched a few movies. Old school: Scream 3, Scary Movie on VHS and Scary Movie 2 on VHS. We played a bit PS2, and other than that we just talked. I don't know when it was the last time that I had the chance to talk to Cille - just talk, so I really enjoyed that time, even though it weren't long we had together.
Then it became Tuesday and I was going for Nanna's place. We had a deal with Søren to meet with him, and then we would all take Nanna's 6year old brother to a playground near their house. It was awesome. There was this obstacle course that was called the Jungle Path. It was made for kids to learn the alphabet in a fun way, and I must say that I really enjoyed it a lot. There was no swings, but the carousel and the cableway really made up for it. I could stay there for hours - so we did.
At Wednesday Nanna and I went to Copenhagen to meet with Theo, and follow him to Jonas' place where we were staying till Saturday. We went to the beach, barbecued, made a bonfire where we roasted marshmallows and bread on a stick - don't really remember the English word for it - and we slept in a tent. We played dart and watched movies, and all in all it was actually pretty nice. The weather was good, and it was nice just sitting at the fire at night cuddling under a blanket watching the flames, talking about random stuff, drinking and just being together.

But something happened that hurt me deeply, and I had to went home Friday instead of Saturday - I just couldn't take it anymore. It tore out my soul, and now I am restless and don't know what to do.
I miss you. I wish I knew what to do.

Well, this was my 2 weeks on Sjælland. I hope everybody is having a nice vacation, and please take care of yourself out there. More accidents happen in the summer than people are aware of.

Love you all ♥

Eating my heart out

I hate this day. Now I'm gonna have to face reality - I can't deal with it.
I think I'm going to break

I came here to make you dance tonight

So... I am sitting at Stine's floor with Cobra Starship's Guilty Pleasure (Album Version) in my brain, and I haven't been able to get it out since I heard it last afternoon. Not that it bothers me, but it's only two freaking lines.
Stine is fast asleep and I have been awake for around an hour and a half now, and I can't sleep anymore, so I thought that I'd just update this.

I don't know how I feel today. Kinda numb I guess. I got things straightened out with my friend yesterday. Which is good, cause I don't ever wanna lose him. I really love him, though he can be a jerk. But hey, who can't, am I right..
But I'm still feeling like I am gonna explode about that chick that annoys the crap outta me, and I can't really deal with the thought of seeing her tomorrow.

And then there's the case about tomorrow...   June 25th. The Black Day. The Date that's been eating my heart out for a year now.
I can't wrap my brain around it. It's just too much. It's killing me, and all the sudden it is just so real. It's like a nightmare where I'm running from a hideous clown but aren't getting anywhere and th freak is just coming closer and closer and no matter how much I tear my lungs out to scream, no sound is coming out.
It's just.. unbearable..

Yesterday I woke up from this amazing, just wonderful, dream that just seemed so real. It weren't anything big. We were just being together, spending time together. Talking, laughing, embracing each other - just Michael and me. It was so fantastic. And it was so real that when I woke up I could still feel the touch of his skin, smell the sweet scent of his hair, hear his humming in my ear. It killed me. I cried for half an hour when I realized what reality was.
And now I can't seem to stop thinking about it - about him. About the fact that I will never get the chance to hug him, to feel him, to look into those big brown eyes with the amazing lashes.

Michael Jackson, I miss you. Please come back to me?

randomness

Sápublørir eru lívið

call me a whiner - I don't freaking care

Listening to: Fall Out Boy 'Send Postcards From A Plane Crash (wish you were here)'

So, the last few days have been frustrating in so many ways.
I haven't talked to someone I considered one of my best friends in over a week, which is weird cause usually we talk every day all the time, but he wont return my phone calls or respond to my texts, and he haven't been online on Messenger that often, and when he has been he haven't contacted me at all. This made me worried about him, so Sunday night I sent him a text telling him that I was worried, not a sound in response. A few hours later he talked to me on Messenger as if nothing had happened, and I decided to let it be, and just take "the talk" about the past week later on cause I was kinda in the middle of something when he wrote me. But then all the sudden, out of the blue, he got all cold, and after a few cold responses he stopped replying.
I haven't contacted him since, cause I feel that this is his responsibility - it's him who have been ignoring me, and I can't keep up texting him or calling him to figure out what's going on with him.

Then there was a change of plans about this weekend, and the party there was meant to be a our friends' house is off, which gave me a few probs about places to stay, but Nikki and I got a deal with my friend Stine to crash at her place Friday. Then I was left with Saturday as a problem, so my Jonas asked if him and me could stay at this friend I thought was of my best friends' place. Jonas could, but there was no way that there was room for me there. That made me a little suspicious.
But now I just found out that a few of our other friends are staying there too. So now I'm seriously pissed at him. If I did something wrong he could at least have the decency to tell me!

And then there's this girl that I have been friends with for a bit more than half a year. Since November I guess. She's always had tiny things that have annoyed me, but I have put up with it, cause hey, we can't all like everything about each other.
But now it has just become too much. The more I think about it, the more I dislike her, and get annoyed by her. And I feel really bad about it, cause I don't think that she even realizes the things she does.
I just think that she is so self-centered and shallow and attention-desperate, and I just can't stand those kinda things.
She turns things that should be private and intimate and are actually really bad into some kind of circus to get attention, and it makes nauseated. I think it's sick and wrong those things that she does, and my honest opinion is that this girl needs some kind of help.
It is true though that she has been through a lot in her life, and that it must have been really tough for her and her family - but so have I, and I don't go around whining about it all the time just to get attention.
I hate her pity-crusade. It's wrong, it's sick and she needs help.

Normally when people gets on my last nerve I tell them, but how the Hell should I ever be able to tell her this?!
Everyone thinks that she is "soooo brave" and that she is "such a good person", so if I ever point this out to her she can tie them around her little finger in a second and I will end up losing a lot of people I really care about. I am starting to believe that that is what have happened with my (ex) best friend, cause he sees her as some kind of goddess that are unable to make mistakes, another thing that makes me wanna puke.

Many people might raise an eyebrow about this statement and think "hey, she's so obviously jealous", and trust me, I have gone that side of the story over and over again in my head. But no, it has nothing, whatsoever, to do with jealousy, cause she has nothing that I am interested in.
I am not interested in the kind of attention that she constantly seeks, I am not interested in being looked at as the "never-failing goodie goodie". No way, cause that is not me.
I just think that people are giving her attention on a false basis, and my respect for her sinks deeper and deeper every time I hear from her.

And I will end this now before my head explodes.
Thank you for putting up with my irrational, and extreme, garbage. All I know is that it really loosened up to get this out of my system cause I have been carrying it around for a long time now.
Let's just hope it doesn't escalate this Friday where I am forced to fake a smile for her.

Ozzy Osbourne show

So...  yesterday my ticket arrived. My ticket to Heaven, almost..
My ticket for the Ozzy Osbourne concert in Herning on August 30th. I just can't wait!
I'll be going with my lovely friend, Mary, and we'll be meeting up with other people outside the venue. I think we're gonna queue up a few days before the show - to make sure we get awesome spots, because we didn't get tickets to the inner stage, which sucks. But we're gonna make the best of it, and have a great time anyway.
I've just been dying to see this man in concert ever since I was born. My dad has always been playing me Black Sabbath and Ozzy Osbourne, so it runs in my blood to love him.
I CAN'T WAIT!!

THE PRINCE OF FUCKING DARKNESS!

Sweat The Battle Before The Battle Sweats You

Sitting here listening to Sweat the Battle Before the Battle Sweats You (Album Version) from Cute Is What We Aim For, and I decided it was time for an update before leaving to make some dinner for my beloved father.
There still isn't any progress in my home-hunting in the big city, but I am planning to talk to my friend about her dorm and what she thinks about me applying for a room there asap.
Buuuuuut, this weekend I will be spending with Elisa (♥) being house-sitters for my sister and her bf. We planned to get drunk and have a marshmallow-contest - who can eat more marshmallows without vomiting. And we are going to watch Benny & Joon, and go Green Day nuts about Billie Joe's hairless arse :D

And then next week is coming. It's gonna be hard, tough. Extraordinary painful.
Tuesday will be awesome, spent with Jacque, and we are thinking about going to Eventyrhaven to just chill out.
Wednesday Jacque and I will meet up at Odense Station to go to Sjælland together. She's going to Fowsia's, I am going to Stine's. When I get to Stine's we are gonna get drunk, and Morten and I will be shooting her down with waterpistols and waterballons. THIS is gonna be great!
And then we are just gonna hang out till Friday - Friday is what is gonna kill me.
It's gonna be so mixed. I can't wait till I see everybody; Nikki, Theo, Nanna, Joy, Christian, Inge, JONAS, just everybody ... but June 25 is gonna be one of the worst dates in HIStory. I can't even get myself to think about the pain that is gonna inflict all of the City Square of Copenhagen on that date. So many tears, so much love, so much pain, so much frustrations..  It's gonna be straight-downwards Hell.

But let's just make the best of it; if we can.

Peace out, folks

amazing weekend straight ahead

So... I was actually pretty sure that this weekend was gonna die, and I would end up sitting home alone bored as hell, as I have done so often.
But then it all got saved last minute, and now I am thrilled!

Tomorrow Thursday I will start my day by going to a meeting with my social worker-thingy (not so funny -.-), but after that I will head for the shoe store to get my amazing pink babies :D
Then I will go home, get ready and then head for the big bad city Copenhagen to find my beloved Theo, and drag him to the infamous The Dreams concert. He is gonna meet, almost, all the amazing dreamers, and the amazing THE DREAMS - my wonderful guys. It's gonna be awesome!
After the show we're spending the night at Amalie's with Laura, whom I haven't seen for a year this Saturday, so I am dying to give her a great, and long, hug ...
Friday Theo and I will be going back to Copenhagen and having a waterballoon fight, so watch out ;)
After that we will be going to his place to watch Sakin Live, which I am really looking forward to, cause I haven't seen it in a reallyreallyreally loooong time, and I miss it - can't wait till I see his face as we watch it. Those dudes are seriously fucked up ...
After Sakin Live I will be going to Stine's place, and we are heading for the bar, and we are about to get piiiiiiissed - which I haven't been for God knows how long, so that is gonna be ...  let's say interesting ;)
Saturday I have no idea what I am gonna do, but I hope to team up with Theo again - I can be without him for too long can I? [insert blushing emoticon here]

And now I am gonna check on the auction for Theo's birthday present, and after that...   I don't know what I am gonna do after that? Now I just have to reply Jonas - if I feel like it *OLE*

A Box Full of Love

So ... the mail just arrived, and it was filled with happiness.
The first i opened was the cardboard shaped like an old fashioned record - oh yeah, a vinyl LP. i already knew what it would be, but I was thrilled to open it and see that it was in such an amazing state.
My new Michael Jackson;  Music And Me vinyl record, old-school style:

Such a beauty - I love it :'DD

and then I baked a few chocolate-chip muffins - because I was bored ...

and here it is..  the inside of my box filled with love (and gold pants) from Fowsia. It's amazing - a book filled with pictures of Michael and her and me with friends, doing Michael'ish stuff, a pack of MJ badges, a postcard with a beautiful black/white photo of MJ on it, two toffees, and for those who can't see it, a little plastic-bag with Skittles - my favorite candy of all times.

Thank you, honey - I love you so much.<3

____________________________________________________

And now I have to leave you, cause I have to find a bus so I can go and pick up Theo and Julie in Odense, so we can go to my place and act all goofy and crazeeeeeeey..

Happy Halloween ya all...    -or maybe not :'DD

happy sunshine then, love you folks ..

Peace, and keep the faith

Lyrics Of The Day: A Place Nearby

I entered the room

Sat by your bed all through the night

I watched your daily fight

I hardly knew

The pain was almost more than I could bear

And still I hear

Your last words to me.

Heaven is a place nearby

So I won't be so far away.
And if you try and look for me

Maybe you'll find me someday.
Heaven is a place nearby

So there's no need to say goodbye

I wanna ask you not to cry

I'll always be by your side.

You just faded away

You spread your wings you had flown

Away to something unknown

Wish I could bring you back.
You're always on my mind

About to tear myself apart.
You have your special place in my heart.

Always heaven is a place nearby

So I won't be so far away.
And if you try and look for me

Maybe you'll find me someday.
Heaven is a place nearby

So there's no need to say goodbye

I wanna ask you not to cry

I'll always be by your side.

And even when I go to sleep

I still can hear your voice

And those words
I never will forget

Artist: Lene Marlin

Year: 1999

Album: Playing My Game

Youtube: no video

Amazon:A Place Nearby 

I Don't Believe You

I Don't Believe You

I don't believe you
You can't have left me
You wouldn't
Ever
I don't believe you

It's like one of those bad dreams
When you can't wake up
Like screaming with no sound
Like crying without tears
Like hurting with no bruise

I don't believe you
You couldn't have left me
You wouldn't
Ever

It's like tearing out my heart
But not dying
Like running but not getting anywhere
Like laughing but not being happy
Like reaching out but not being able to reach

I don't believe you
You couldn't have left me
You wouldn't
Ever

It's like kids too scared to play
Like a night without stars
Like summer without sun
Like thunder without storm

I don't believe you
You couldn't have left me
You wouldn't

Would you?

Michael Jackson, I love you

Lyrics Of The Day: Ghosts

Who gave you the right to shame my family?

And gave you the right to scare my baby? she needs me
And who gave you the right to shake my fablic tree?

You put a knife in my back

Shot an arrow in me!

Tell me are you the ghost of jealousy?

A sucking ghost of jealousy!

Artist: Michael Jackson
Year: 1995
Album: Blood On The Dance Floor
Youtube: Ghosts Music Video

Lyrics Of The Day

Sooooo... I decided to make this thing I am gonna call Lyrics Of The Day.
This will be me posting a new verse, a chorus, a bridge or maybe a full lyric, every day - at least when I have the chance to do it every day.
It's gonna feature lyric, artist, year, and album so you can all get inspired to listening to music you might never listen to or hear about without these lyrics.
I hope you're gonna enjoy it.

Peace, and keep the faith

Don't Cry Daddy - short story in Danish

Just something I wrote a bit time ago, when I was sick doing nothing. I was listening to Elvis Presley's Don't Cry Daddy and inspiration just hit me, like a smack in the face. So..  here's what came out of that, for all the Danish people...

KLIRR! lyden af glas der rammer gulvet er svær at tage fejl af. Han har hørt det så ofte før. Selvom døren er lukket, og der er mørkt i værelset, kan han tydeligt høre de hævede stemmer fra stuen. Hun er fuld igen. Men det er hun jo altid. Han kigger på det lille ur med de selvlysende visere. 01.37, viser de. Han kravler længere ned under dynen, og gemmer hovedet under hovedpuden. Håber at det kan frasortere gråden og stemmerne. Det dæmper dem kun.
En lysstribe vælter pludselig ind i værelset fra døren, og bryder mørket. "Må jeg ligge hos dig, Mittel? Jeg kan ikke sove," hvisker lillesøster med en grødet stemme. Hun har grædt. Igen. Han vidste at hun ville komme. Lå bare og ventede på det. Hvad kan man forvente af en fireårig. Samme cyklus hver gang. Han slår dynen til side, og lader de bare fødder ramme gulvet. Han tripper ligeså stille hen, og samler den rystende lille pige op i sine arme, og bærer hende hen til sengen, hvor han lægger hende under dynen, for selv at kravle tilbage i varmen. "Du må altid komme ind til mig, Mille. Det ved du," siger han med et falskt smil, og prøver at holde sine egne tårer tilbage. Så ligger de der igen, som så ofte før. Gemmer sig under dynen, hvor der nu er trængt med pladsen. Han kigger på gulvet hvor det flyder med lego, puslespil og piratdukker. Hvor er den lommelygte nu? Han fikser den lille lygte med den svage pære frem fra det lille egetræsbord ved siden af sengen. "Skal vi læse nu?" spørger han og kigger ind i de store, blå øjne ved siden af ham. "Den med hundene, Mittel," snøvler hun som svar. Han aer de lyse krøller om bag hendes små ører, og strejker ud til reolen på den anden side af hende. Han begynder at læse. Hakker og stammer i ordene. Det er svært at læse når det er mørkt og man er en søvnig 8årig. De når til midten af den lille disney-bog, da de små hænder pludselig tager bogen ud af hænderne på ham. "Hvad nu? Skal du tisse?" hvisker han til hende. "Mittel, hvorfor råber mamma og dadda?" Spørgsmålet kommer helt bag på ham. Hun kæmper en brav kamp for at holde øjnene åbne. Han trygger hende tættere ind til sig, og kysser hende på hovedet. "Mor og far.." han sluger en klump, før han fortsætter. "Mor og far er bare lidt uenige om nogle ting. Det skal du ikke tænke på." Var det hende eller ham selv han prøvede at overbevise? Han var ikke helt sikker. Hendes øjne lukker i, og hendes vejrtrækning bliver dybere. Hun knuger den lille bamse ind til sit bryst, med en styrke der kunne kvæle en kattekilling, og kryber dybere ind til sin storebror. Han selv lægger hovedet til rette på puden, og prøver ikke at fokusere på stemmerne og bragene fra stuen. Klokken er nu 02.13. De må snart være trætte. På denne her tid plejer mor at falde i søvn i sofaen, og far plejer at lægge et tæppe over hende og gå ind i sin egen seng.
Stemmerne forstummes. Stilheden er med ét overvældende. Er hun faldet i søvn nu? Han kan høre nogen pusle rundt inde i stuen. Så kan han godt sove. Nu er det overstået for idag. Han vender sig om på siden og holder om det sovende barn ved sin side. Kysser hende på øret, hvisker godnat, og falder i en dyb søvn.
En lysstribe vækker ham. Midt i det mørke værelse lister far ind, og sætter sig på siden af sengen. Holder en finger for læberne mens han hvisker: "Shhh! Mikkel, jeg har brug for at du er stille indtil vi kommer ud i bilen." Ud i bilen? Hvad mener han? Klokken er 03. 20. Han har sovet i lidt over en time. Ved siden af har Mille sparket dynen af, og er helt varm mod hans højre arm. Far har røde øjne. Har han mon grædt? Hvad sker der?
"Mikkel, kom med mig ud i gangen. Skal du tisse først?" Mikkel sætter sig op i sengen, og kigger uforstående på sin far. "Jeg forklarer det så snart vi er i bilen, det lover jeg, skat." Drengen tænker at det måske bare er bedst at gøre som far siger, og slænger benene ud over sengekanten. "Hvad med Mille?" hvisker Mikkel med tung stemme, og kæmper med tårerne. "Bare rolig, hende skal jeg nok sørge for. Jeg har styr på det. Bare skynd dig. Skal du ud at tisse?" Spørger far igen, med voksende desperation i stemmen. Mikkel sætter pyjamasen med dinosauerne på plads, og tripper ud mod badeværelset. "Vær helt stille, mor sover," hvisker far efter ham.
Da Mikkel kommer kommer ud fra badeværelset, står far ude i gangen, og har givet Mille sin røde Peter Plys-jakke på, og de små blå støvler. "Her, Mikkel. Tag spiderman-skoene på, jeg har fundet din jakke frem," skynder far sig at hviske idet han ser ham i entréen. Hele huset er mørkt bortset fra den lille, trange gang. "Vi stal ud at tøre," hvisker Mille til ham. Han sender hende et lille smil, og trækker jakken på. Mille knuger bamsen ind til sig, og tager far i hånden. Far åbner døren og de går ud imod bilen, med en kuffert i hånden.
"I var rigtige dygtige. Det var godt at I kunne være så stille," siger far, og prøver at lade sin stemme vænne sig til ikke at skulle hviske længere. "Hvor skal vi hen, dadda?" spørger Mille fra autostolen på bagsædet. Far sluger en klump, og prøver at skjule at han rømmer sig. "Vi skal bare lige et sted hen hvor vi kan sove i et par dage. Bare prøv at sove videre, skat," smiler han forlorent til hende i bakspejlet. Mikkel der sidder på forsædet kan se at fars hænder ryster når han skifter gear. Der går ikke længe før de kan høre lyden af stille snorken fra bagsædet. Da øjner Mikkel en chance, han prøver at være modig, med kigger ikke på far. Kigger bare ud af forruden. "Vi skal ikke tilbage til mor, skal vi?" Far kigger på Mikkel, og kører sætter farten lidt ned. "Nej, Mikkel. Det går ikke mere. Mor er ikke god for os. Mor er syg, og har brug for hjælp. Den hjælp får hun nemmere hvis vi ikke er der," forklarer far, men Mikkel ved ikke helt om han tror på det. Om det passer, eller om far bare prøv at beskytte ham mod sandheden. Mikkel havde for længst opdaget at det gør voksne tit. Lyver for børn, for at beskytte dem.
Mikkel vågner ved at solstrålerne generer hans øjne. Han kigger på uret på instrumentbrættet. Klokken er 05.57. De har kørt længe. Fars øjne er helt røde og hævede. Han har grædt igen. Det er fantastisk at han tror at han kan skjule det for dem. Børn ser mere end voksne tror. Hvornår lærer de det?
Far drejer ind ad en indkørsel. Der holder en stor, marineblå firhjulstrækker. Far parkerer, og kigger på Mikkel. "Godmorgen, vi kan sove ordentligt her," siger far. "Hvor er vi?" spørger Mikkel uforstående. Far klikker selen op, og vender sig for at klikke Mikkel's egen sele op. "Vi er i en lille by på Sjælland," siger far. "Min gamle skolekammerat Thomas har sagt at vi godt må sove her et par dage," forklarer far, og åbner døren. "Tager du dig af Mille?" spørger han da de kommer ud på perlestenene. Mikkel kan høre gruset knirke under de røde sko, og får spiderman-striben til at blinke. Han bevæger sig om imod bagdøren, hvor han klipser lillesøster ud af autostolen. Han kan høre at far banker på den røde dør henne over gårdspladsen. En mand med mørkt hår åbner døren. Han er iført lyse jeans og en stram hvid t-shirt. "Heeej, Anders," siger han med et smil der betyder: "Jeg er ked af at du skal dette her igennem," og giver far et kram. Mikkel har aldrig set far sådan med en anden mand før. Det betyder nok ikke noget.
"Hvad sta vi?" spørger Mille, med sin lyse stemme, mens hun gnider søvnen ud af øjnene, og Mikkel løfter hende ned fra bilen. "Vi skal bare lige ind til én af fars venner," svarer Mikkel med et fraværende blik, og gaber. Den lille blege hånd griber om hans, og de begynder at gå over mod far der står og snakker med Thomas. Den fremmede mand smiler til dem, et oprigtigt smil. "Hej, unger. Skal vi finde jer en ordentlig seng? I må være helt ødelagte efter køreturen," siger han, og gør plads til at de kan træde ind i huset. Han leder dem ned ad en lang gang. "Skal I på toilet?" spørger han, og vender sig om og kigger på dem. De ryster på hovedet, og fortsætter. Han leder dem ind på et stort værelse, med en stor seng, der er beklædt med baby-lyserødt linned. I hjørnet står en stor kommode i kirsebærtræ, og et stort vindue på endevæggen. Ud af vinduet er der udsigt ud over en strand der ser meget smuk ud i solopgangen. Thomas går hen og trækker nogle mørke gardiner med stjerner på for. "Jeg kan desværre kun tilbyde jer én seng, men den er stor nok til at I alle tre kan være der," siger han med beklagende stemme. "Det skal du ikke tænke på," smiler far. "Jeg har vist mere brug for noget kaffe lige nu, bare lad børnene sove." Thomas nikker til ham, og far beder Mikkel om at hjælpe Mille op i seng.
Imens Mikkel er ved at hjælper sin lillesøster op i den store seng kommer en anden mand ind i værelset. "Hej. Du må være Anders? Thomas fortalte det hele, jeg er ked af det. Men I kan være her ligeså længe I har brug for," siger manden, og giver far hånden. Far smiler til ham, og siger tak. Den "nye" mand, tager Thomas i hånden og de forlader værelset. Far kommer hen, og sætter sig på sengen ved siden af Mikkel. Han kysser begge sine børn på panden. "Det hele skal nok bliver godt nu," lover han, og giver dem et kram. Mikkel mærker fars tårer på sin kind. Han kigger på far, derefter på sin lillesøster. Mille kigger på sin far med sine store, glasklare, blå øjne. Hun er ikke bange. "Du må ette græde, dadda. Det sta nok bli'e godt, alt sammen," siger hun bare, og smiler et smil der viser hendes små hvide tænder.

to ride a giraffe..........

So..  this is my blog.
For the first time on blogspot ever...

But now I sit wondering...  what should I be blogging about?
My head is kind of a big mess at the moment..       and the crazy thing is, that even though there really is a loooot of stuff going on in my head, I can't seem to find the words to tell what it is.
Oh yeah..   family, friends, distances between my friends and I, job (crabby boss), and yes, of course...   A BOY!
I can't seem to get this boy out of my mind! It's so freaked cause I already know that he doesn't feel the same way, and yet it feels like it keeps getting more and more intense what I am feeling. It freaks me out..
He's one of my best friends, and luckily for me nothing has changed between us since I told him about my feelings - which only made my feelings grow, cause it makes him even more *dysh*

Uh! but hey, there's a sunshine at the other side of the rainy skies..   next weekend I am going clubbing with a friend that I haven't really spent much time with 101, so it's gonna be awesome..  our plan is to dress up all 80'like and then go dance at bars. Then Saturday we're gonna hang with a friend and we're gonna go all Michael Jackson crazy, and watch dvds, listening to old records and just talk about his greats and jokes, and check out my collection of MJ-stuff..
I've never had MJ-fans at my place before so it's gonna be weird...   but nice..

So, I have no idea what more to write, and I feel like I'm just blabbing away about nothing so I am not gonna take up more of anyone's time..  *cloudybrains*
Nighty night for now, folks *hugging all around*

Peace out, and keep the faith
Love